Safety First At NERV
by Tsiuq
Summary: Filling in the cracks we don't see. Which is to say, a lot of crack lurks between scene changes in the anime. I also will put in some scenes from some concepts that don't quite merit a full multi chapter length, but have amusing permutations.
1. Chapter 1

**Safety First at NERV**

AN: I was watching the anime again, and I noticed a sign in the background of the EVA pits, that read something like SAFETY FIRST. This made me look out for any other irregularities that might have a story behind them, with a strong tendency towards crack. This will skip about the timeline, as different ideas demanded more attention than others. Also, there may be little bits of another timeline strewn about, in which the first three pilots have been through a lot of groundhog day style loops of the series, and have started to take things less seriously. I'll put in little clues towards the beginning to make it obvious.

LINE BREAK

"The fourth child is-"

"-Toji, why didn't you tell me sooner?"

The medical team extracted the crippled pilot from the crumpled entry plug. Misato felt distinctly uncomfortable.

"You always take these things badly, so I sorta procrastinated. I'm truly sorry, Shinji."

"Badly? Badly? How am I supposed to take 'Your friend is going to pilot an experimental Eva, oh, and by the way, the last time they tried this, it disappeared into dimensions unknown.' There is no way a person could take it well!"

Gendo sighed.

"This is why it took me ten years to tell Shinji he was to pilot Unit 01."

"Shut up old man! Some prior notice, some training, some safety precautions, I wouldn't have a problem. As is, I might just crush your precious little office when I get back."

Gendo sighed again.

"Increase LCL pressure."

After a few futile seconds struggle, the boy fell unconscious.

"He always loses consciousness after these episodes. It's probably a defense mechanism."

Ritsko looked at Gendo skeptically.

"I think it's because you always knock him out."

Gendo adjusted his glasses.

"That too."

LINE BREAK

"You wanted see me, Vice Principal?"

Misato coughed, and Kensuke's eyes dilated.

"Actually, Mr. Aida, NERV has need of you. We are willing to let you pilot Unit 01, as long as there are no more security leaks."

"Heh heh, so you know about that?"

SCENE CHANGE

"It tastes like blood."

Misato reigned in her rising urge to kill. The kid would not stop talking.

"Nice screen saver though, very psychedelic."

Shinji could not get back fast enough for Misato.

LINE BREAK

Shinji was impressed, and more than a little irritated. In the past week, Kaji had hit on every member of his har- all of the women in the workplace. To their credit, none of them had succumbed to the agent's fraternization.

"Hey Shinji, would you like to get some tea? My treat."

'_Gah! How dare he sneak up while I'm brooding?' _Shinji scowled.

"I'm not a girl."

Even Kaji's laugh was smooth. _'Oh, how I despise this man.'_

"No, its nothing like that. I just thought I'd show you a secret base, and we could talk."

"I am not interested in a 'guys only' base, thank you."

"What? No, it's just a melon garden I've been growing."

"Is that another way of saying strip club? Because I can see that kind of stuff at home."

"No, it's literally a gar- wait, Misato pole dances at home?"

"Mr. Kaji, I must ask you to desist in this highly unprofessional manner, it is most unbecoming of a NERV officer."

LINE BREAK

Ramiel commenced drilling, as if it had not just disabled with an Eva in less than a minute.

Shinji woke up in a hospital bed.

"You know, now that I've gotten to know you, I kinda like our time together, Ceiling."

Rei blinked.

"Perhaps you are not ready for piloting duty yet, pilot Ikari?"

"It blinded me with SCIENCE!"

"…"

END

AN: there will be more as I get around to typing them up.


	2. Command and Crossdesser

AN: yeah, this will not be a continuous story, but a series of small drabbly type stuff.

And now for that loop-verse I was talking about.

LINE BREAK

The pilots sat on a grassy hill, watching Tokyo-3 light up. Again. Shinji shook his head.

"I wonder why everyone follows my father. He looks, acts, and is untrustworthy."

Asuka frowned.

"I think it's the beard. It's sexy, and so that explains the women, and I imagine the men are trying to learn his secret to success. Commander Ikari is like a less easy going Kaji, and we all know how popular Kaji is. Mmmm, Kaji."

Shinji glanced at the redhead. She was serious, and probably slipping into a daydream. It was extremely dangerous to disagree with her while she was like that. Luckily, Rei came to his rescue.

"Pilot Soryu, that is ridiculous."

'_Took the words out of my mouth, Rei.'_

"Oh yeah? Then what do you think it is, wonder girl?"

"Why, his glasses, of course."

It was then that Shinji remembered that all the pilots were some kind of crazy, especially after all the loops they'd been through. Meanwhile, the girls were still arguing.

"Facial hair makes much more sense! How do glasses have anything to do with his leadership prowess?"

"They add significantly to the power of his glare, as well as reflect light whenever he is being particularly clever. Without them, he'd only have the considerable attraction of his evil devious man image. With them? He has harnessed the most powerful force in Japan: Moe. Have you noticed how much of NERV's higher ranks are attractive women? Harem. The mere fact that NERV deploys giant robots ensures that the populace can only wish to be a part of the ideal life we enjoy. I will grant that the facial hair is a moe factor, but it is the glasses that make the Commander's whim law. You weren't there, Asuka, but when Hyuga first started, he received twenty confessions in one week, all mentioning how his glasses reminded them of Gendo the Magnificent. Sadly, this has raised Hyuga's standard impossibly high, namely someone of Misato-class attractiveness."

Asuka shook her head.

"Poor guy. But wow, I have never heard you talk so much."

Rei shrugged.

"I like glasses."

Shinji coughed, startling the girls. They tended to forget he was there from time to time, and Shinji wondered once more exactly what effect subbing for Fuyutsuki had had on himself.

"May be they follow him because he always seems to have a plan? He's never lost his composure when we're under attack, and we have always defeated the angels under his supervision. It's only when he's away that we make any major mistakes."

Asuka looked at Shinji skeptically.

"I know you're the designated almost-sane guy of our group, but Rei's theory makes more sense."

Rei beamed at Asuka.

"You actually used my first name! I'm touched."

"Whoa there, blueberry. This is a united front against Shinji not making sense, not a Victorian era confession of love."

"Oh, right."

Rei stared at Shinji, who sighed in defeat.

"Yeah, you're probably right, NERV does have a lot of moe power."

Rei sighed happily.

"As queen of moe, I accept your fealty."

An evil gleam shone in her red eyes.

"Now, what should we do to make you a moe knight? I don't think leather trousers would be appropriate, to be frank."

Shinji wondered once more if sanity is all it's cracked up to be.

LINE BREAK

AN: and now for not-loop-verse

Toji looked different, namely way too enthusiastic.

"Alright! Date with Miasto-san on a cruise ship! Life don't get better than this, Shiro-kun."

"I'm Shinji."

"No, Shiro-kun is my hat. I bought him especially for the occasion."

Shinji had a bad feeling about that day.

SCENE CHANGE

Kensuke was in love.

"Over the Rainbow, do you mind if I call you Rainbow?

Whatever I like- what do you-

Oh. Um. Naughty Girl!"

There was a sizable radius around the otaku that no one dared to enter. This was in part due to how he was lovingly petting the deck, but mostly because the sailors knew all too well what extended time at sea does to a man. It was not a pretty sight.

SCENE CHANGE

Shinji was not paranoid. It can't be an accident that all his clothes somehow got tossed overboard. Kensuke and Toji reacted oddly to the news.

"That's…. too bad, Shin-man."

"Yeah, rough luck."

"Could I borrow some of your clothes until we get back?"

Kensuke wouldn't make eye contact.

"You wouldn't want mine, I have a skin condition."

Shinji turned puppy dog eyes on Toji. Since it was Shinji, these eyes would more accurately be described as "chronically neglected, orphan puppy that just got kicked for no reason" eyes. Unfortunately, like medusa, Shinji's target had to look at his face for the desired effect. Toji was resolutely staring into the depths of Shiro-kun.

"I have er- athlete's body."

"That's not real, is it?"

"You mock my pain!"

"Life is pain, I have learned that the hard way."

In the end, no dice. As his "friends" apologized for the last time, Shinji could have sworn he heard someone whisper, "Chance!"

When Asuka appeared around the corner, Shinji realized that while the universe had something against him, some people had probably called dibs first.

"I couldn't help but hear about your pathetic situation, Third. Fortunately for you, I have a number of sundresses that will last us both until we reach port."

Shinji was not paranoid. He simply recognized his lot in life, which is how he ended up in a white sundress in Asuka's quarters.

"I suppose you wanted a baby sister."

Asuka stopped rummaging through her intimidating large amount of clothing.

"Hm? Oh, no, not really."

Back to the closet-suitcase.

"Must have liked dolls a lot as a kid, then."

Her hands clenched, then relaxed.

"No Third, I merely enjoy embarrassing you. So what do you think? Do you want to wear a bra with padding, or put some pins in to draw in the bust?"

Despite her light tone, her eyes held a promise of violence should he say or do anything inappropriate, such as ask why she would have either on hand.

"The less of your underwear I wear, the better."

Asuka pouted.

"Such a boring, flat-chested child."

END

AN: It bugged me, how right after they defeat the angel, it cuts to them still in plug suits, arriving on land.


	3. F is for Falsetto

Five year old Shinji stopped crying eventually. He wandered into a park. There he found a blue-haired boy his age playing in a sandbox. Shinji pushed at the sand in a half-hearted way, hoping the other boy would share his toy drill. The young Ikari scooted closer. All of a sudden he felt that something bad would happen if they actually talked. This scared him, so Shinji ran off.

The next day, his uncle brought him to the beach. Shinji found a little cave in the rocks which sparked his curiosity. Inside, he found a sun-bleached box, faint images of warriors and monsters with huge guns on every surface. He left, disappointed.

Weeks passed, and slowly Shinji got used to his new guardians. He couldn't remember where all the dishes went, so he wasn't much help in the kitchen. He tried anyways, but eventually his aunt told him she would take care of it. There was little he could do but apologize. It didn't help that he was so clumsy.

One day, he fell into a neighbor's trash can. At the bottom, he found a mask. It seemed to smirk at him, like it knew something he didn't. Shinji traced the thin, long mustache.

With the mask on, he felt… powerful, confident, like he could change the world… by helping out the community.

Shinji had not gotten far from the station when the ground shook. Somehow, he had missed a giant monster fighting aircraft. _'Looks shopped' _was the first thought that emerged.

"Get in the car!"

"_THERE'S A LION?"_

"Father, I am disappoint. Why have you brought me here?"

"To pilot Unit 01."

"For great justice?"

"…yes."

Unit 01 slumped against the ruins of a building. Shinji clutched his eye in sympathetic pain.

"Nothing is sacred."

Unit 01 crouched.

"Nothing is impossible."

Its wounds healed.

"EVERY WIN FAILS EVENTUALLY."

….

…

..

.

Stab,

Stab,

Stab.

Stab stab stab stab stab stab stab sta-

LIGHT OF DESTRUCTION

Makoto was the first to recover.

"The angel used self-destruct!"

Unit 01 emerged from the smoke. Shinji grinned weakly.

"It wasn't very effective…"

Thump. Maya sighed.

"Shinji fainted."

AN: The meeting of Shinji and Simon would destroy the universe:

(Simon's awesome factor)/(Shinji's awesome factor) = can't divide by zero

But Shinji and EFG seem compatible…


	4. Around the Bend

Shinji woke up feeling weird, like the sheets were all twisted up over his chest. He sat up and noticed it was his pajama shirt that was tight. He unbuttoned the top two buttons. He was immediately reminded of one of his more interesting memories of Asuka, which didn't feel as interesting now. He peeked down his pants. He pinched his arm to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

'_I am not going to panic. There is an explanation for this, and Dr. Akagi will figure it out.'_

Then a horrible possibility occurred to Shinji. He rushed to the bathroom, and was relieved to find he did not have red hair. In fact, his looks had hardly changed. A little rounder, maybe, but otherwise like his old face.

'_Do I just look that much like a girl?'_

Shinji sighed, and set about preparing for the day.

* * *

It was a little insulting that Misato and Asuka hadn't noticed by breakfast time. Shinji cleared his throat.

"Misato, could you tell the school that I'm sick? I have turned into a girl, and I'd like to get that reversed as quickly as possible."

He felt rather proud at how calmly he delivered the request. Asuka scoffed.

"Isn't that going a bit far to skip school? What do you have under there, socks, or-"

Her hand closed on his shirt.

"Asuka!" he exclaimed, feeling embarrassed and conflicted. She removed her hand and blushed, shock written plainly across her face.

"S-sorry."

Misato looked at the beer in her hand, then put it down carefully.

"What."

* * *

Misato sat on Ritsuko's desk.

"So what's going on?"

The bottle-blonde sighed.

"The best way that I can explain it is that the Eva did it. Shinji shows no signs of mental contamination, and, for some reason, syncs even better now."

"So Unit 01 messed with Shinji's gender to connect with him more?"

"It almost makes sense, considering what the Eva are based on. At any rate, Shinji should probably get used to being a girl. I'm looking for ways to change him back, but chances are that Unit 01 would just make him a girl again."

Misato shook her head.

"Poor guy can't catch a break."

* * *

Shinji was handling the news rather well. She was curled up in her bed, listening to her SDAT. Asuka was still processing the information.

"So does he- er, she like boys now?"

Misato shrugged.

"Attraction isn't entirely biological, so you'll have to ask her yourself."

Asuka glanced at the door to Shinji's room for the tenth time that afternoon.

"This is so messed up."

* * *

Sunday morning found Shinji up and preparing breakfast once again. Asuka slipped in quietly, watching. Shinji seemed… happy, cooking. It was kind of ironic, now she really would make a great housewife.

"Are you alright?"

It was all she could think of to say. Shinji smiled slightly.

"I don't know. I try not to think about it too hard."

"That's good, I think. If you have any questions about… stuff, I can answer them. I am a genius, after all."

"Thanks, Asuka. I'm probably going to need a lot of help getting clothes."

Asuka grinned.

* * *

Shinji walked into homeroom, still feeling uncomfortable in a skirt. Even with biking shorts, she felt too exposed. She stayed behind Hikari as much as possible. Kensuke noticed her first.

"Another transfer student?"

Shinji stepped out from behind Hikari.

"It's just me, Kensuke."

Toji turned around.

"Yo, Shin-ma- WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU?"

Shinji sat in her old seat, feeling a little better.

"They caught me setting up a camera in the girl's locker room. They said that if I liked girls so much…"

His friends paled in fear.

"Is it… permanent?" Kensuke asked.

Shinji nodded.

"They don't actually know how to reverse it."

The two guys shuddered.

* * *

_AN: After that, I got bored with this plot bunny._


	5. MIX

_AN: Part of an abandoned fic that I particularly liked:_

* * *

"You're going to be breathing a liquid soon. Don't panic, your body knows how to do this. You'll just have to breathe harder."

For a moment Shinji imagined titans roaming across japan, drowned boys in their hearts. Then the LCL displaced the last bit of air, and he lost the ability to think until he stopped gagging.

"Oh God, that was terrible."

Ritsuko sighed.

"Welcome to NERV."

* * *

_AN: this was written about the same time as the earlier stuff, just found it recently._

* * *

Ritsuko sat upon Misato's desk, savoring her coffee and the silence that began her day. Idly, she glanced at the paperwork beside her, glad that she was spared that much.

"-a new microwave. Do new things just break around me?"

Misato had arrived early for once. Ritsuko couldn't resist the urge to snark.

"So your kitchen has finally rebelled against your toxic reign?"

"Wha? No, it turns out Shinji is more deeply damaged than we thought."

"You lost me."

Misato sighed.

"You know how Shinji went berserk on the fourth angel? As it so happens, the 'ding' of swithing to battery power is really similar to our microwave's."

"That doesn't make sense."

Misato shrugged.

"That's the way with insane people."

Elsewhere,

"-really smug, like 'oh, you can't heat your food by yourself, I'll help you with that, no problem.' Ugh, it drives me crazy."

Asuka glanced at his heavily bandaged hands.

"I can see that. Is that why you cook small portions?"

"Can't let it have the satisfaction, you know. Thinks it's better than me? Hah, look who can't heat up food now. Serves it right."

* * *

_AN: Shinji is pretty much a yandere, afterall. Now for some other AU.(That I also abandoned.)_

* * *

Naoko's seduction campaign wasn't going so well. The comforting of a grieving widower was a classic pattern, but it never went beyond a quick hug. TO tell the truth, it was a little unnerving to see such emotion on the normally stoic schemer. However, the biggest obstacle was his daily communion with the giant humanoid. He talked to the thing like Yui could hear him. It was starting to get to her; Naoko didn't feel comfortable in the Eva bay. It certainly didn't help that she missed her. Yui was one of the few people who could understand her when she talked shop. Then there was the half-clone. It gave her the-

The small, blue-haired girl walked onto the bridge. Naoko smiled nervously.

"Are you lost, dearie?"

The clone shook its head and pouted.

"I wanna play."

"What about your brother?"

It rolled its eyes.

"Shinji is _boring_."

It was strange how similar the boy and Fuyutsuki were. She had run the paternity test herself, so she knew their resemblance was purely coincidental, but it was still eerie.

"That's not a very nice thing to say about your brother."

The clone huffed. Then it sighed.

"Daddy's still talking to the big dumb robot. He does that too much."

Despite herself, Naoko felt some sympathy for the clone. She checked her screen; still compiling. With a sigh, she turned from the terminal.

"So what do you want to play?"

Rei grinned.

* * *

Naoko felt tired. The mentat processor was a natural outgrowth of the science that made the MAGI possible; in fact, the MAGI were prototype mentat processors, admittedly augmented and customized over time to outweigh the production model by several tons. What wearied her was the feeling of thinking half a conversation. The MAGI were meant to function even if she wasn't at the helm. With their aide, the mentat, or m-processor proceeded from concept to design to production smoothly. In some obscure way, she felt that she was competing against her own creations, yet she couldn't do away with the power they provided. In the end, she felt mentally spent.

It was nice working with her daughter, though. She had grown up into quite the capable, sensible young woman. Naoko sipped her coffee. She saw the look Ritsuko gave Gendo's bum as he exited the room. Her daughter had similar tastes in men, apparently. _'I'd better nip this one in the bud.'_

Naoko scooted her chair over.

"A nice view, wouldn't you agree?"

Ritsuko blushed and looked away.

"I don't know what you are talking about."

Naoko rested her cheek on her hand, head tilted, as if in fond remembrance.

"I tried to get into his pants, once."

"WHAT? I-"

"I was a younger woman then. More curves than wisdom, if you know what I mean."

Ritsuko thought she was going to be sick. Naoko sighed wistfully.

"Sometimes I have these dreams where-"

"ENOUGH! Ugh, I'm going to need some brain bleach."

* * *

_AN: Rei was to be more a conduit for Naoko's ideas than a pilot at first, Shinji was to have weaponized Fuyutsuki-style blandness, and everyone was well-ish adjusted, if weirder._


End file.
